21 January, 2016
How can you create your existence?
Before I came here, to Rishikesh, a sacred ancient village at the foothills of the Himalayas, to meet my Guru Anand Mehrotra and spend a good amount of time with him to deepen my practice and learn all I could possibly learn from him, I had a burning question throughout my entire life.
I tried breaking many rules, even though I am a sensitive type, and feel so scared at times even before I take a small step on my own towards happiness...
I always had a very strong passionate heart in my core that has been saving me from falling out of my path completely and leading me through the obstacles of my small identity, yet I needed guidance.
Recently, I’ve had a profound experience, when I took a radical action of moving to California, where I didn’t know anybody and nobody knew me. The experience has removed a big weight and led me to a new milestone in my own journey, and spoke to the core of who I felt I was: an “extraordinary” person, with a compassionate heart and full of power to create my own reality and escape the story I told myself or others, of a smaller version of self who was filled with fears and lot’s of self-made problems.
I also learned that I needed a time for myself to learn, recalibrate my consciousness, heal the wounds and rest, and most of all have more patience toward myself and towards the realization of my desires. And most of all, I’ve learned that my desires are not supposed to be suppressed as I was taught and believed for many years.
Here is where the Sattva teaching and Anand’s words resonated with me in a very deep and reassuring way.
What I’ve found was that a positive change doesn’t come from self-hatred, but rather from a gentle observation and acceptance of oneself.
Once I’ve started challenging myself in a constructive and conscious way, amazingly, life had started unfolding in a way that was supportive of my desires.
And now that concept of connection to the truth of who I really am and that we all have been destined to be happy, joyful and free, is becoming my reality.
And even though I have felt a lot of discomforts and wanted to quit everything at first, and to give up on everyone, I’ve learned slowly how to get back on and start again, from simple small steps.
As I’ve embraced my grace and the truth that I need a radical change, I’ve started feeling stronger; and now I am writing a blog, traveling, exploring and living fully, and I am not scared or tired and not holding myself back.
Now when I look back, I can’t believe how scared I was for many years to fully embrace the simple necessity of sharing, loving, hugging and laughing, and a need for simplicity in life.
I’ve always longed for an adventure, freedom, and joy of existence, and tried to give that to my soul as much as I could for the past few years, but eventually, I needed to find a good amount of courage and time to let go of my past trips.
Only then I’ve reached a point where the burning question: “How can one create their existence?” appeared laud enough, and I’ve discovered that the answer was always there, sitting in my lap, I just needed to grab it!
First of all, now I tell myself that I’m never stuck in anything, and it is me who creates everything.
As I am sitting here in the Annapurna ( kitchen, in Sanskrit) I realize that everything I did in the past 4 years, was conscious small steps that were to lead me to this perfect present moment at Sattva Teacher training and these months of apprentice fearlessly.
I’ve decided a month ago I would do the leap to come and spend few months in India near my Guru, but it wasn’t a choice, it has been a slow long process that led me here.
Now here I am, proudly, fully, and even mysteriously experiencing the best time of my life.
Now I truly believe that we have a choice to be aware of the pain and do something about it or to feel pity for ourselves and keep playing a role of the weak feeding suffering. It’s our choice to meet abundance or not.
I’m sharing this experience with my dear friend Francesca, who came along with me from Italy, and now is sitting in the same kitchen with me and also writing her story. I am profoundly grateful for all that manifested within and we will be sharing more of our experiences as we go.
But for now, we are here in an abundance of love, laugh, and joy, as it is what I am ultimately experiencing here at Sattva Retreat.